I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
