Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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