Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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