I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
