There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
