i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
