Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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