I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
