if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
