Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
