that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize