just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
