Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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