cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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