Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
