turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize