Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
this hospital has no fireball
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
