I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
