i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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