Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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