i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
where are you?
Hypothermia
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
