A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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