Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
