the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
