i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
