I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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