i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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