chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
