I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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