We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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