I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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