Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my sisters under your porch take her home
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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