dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
