So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
