1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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