I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drunk is a universal language darling
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
