you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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