i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
