My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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