It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
