he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
