Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
