I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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