so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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