No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
