im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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