Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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