I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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