I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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