there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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