who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize