An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
