very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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