New low: just hacked my moms facebook
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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