I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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