On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
