Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
