Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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