saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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